Tuesday, September 13, 2011

And then there were tears...

Yesterday was my first "real" day back to work, as I had to drop the babe off at his Grammy's house. After Thursday, I thought I was good to go. In the clear. But as we pulled into Grammy's driveway, I began to realize that I was not as good as I thought. After getting the babe in the house and unpacking him and his things, I handed him over to my mom. Oh the pain that tore through my heart! And it was just my mom, people! I am so thankful and blessed not to have to have handed him to a total stranger! I kept finding things I needed to tell my mom, and then coming back and pinching his cheeks and kissing him, and back and forth. Until finally, I lost it. Then my mom lost it. Then came the tearful embrace. Then my mom kicked me out of the house so that I wouldn't be too late for work. As soon as I got in the car, I called Ben. "Hello?" "inhale...bigger inhale...quicker, more furious inhale....waaaahaaaahaaaahaaa...quivering inhale....waaahaaaaahaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He assured me that I am a wonderful mother and that I was not abandoning my sweet boy. That it was going to be okay. That he would support me if I decided to stay home with Burke fulltime. Cry out to God, he said. Listen for His answer. And I did. And while I still haven't heard any answers, He did fill me with incredible peace to get through the day. My mascara was only slightly streaked when I pulled into work, although I couldn't do much to hide my red, puffy eyes and nose. But once I was there and busy with work, I was okay. Missed my boy like crazy. Hated to be away from him. But I knew, that for now at least, I could do it.

The encouragement I needed to get through my day came when my mom told me that she was going through her emails with a tired and fussy Burke on her lap and came to an email from me. She opened the email and played the attached video--a video of Burke rolling over. His new favorite trick. She said that he perked up when he heard my voice, so she played it again for him. She said that he got so happy that second time when he heard my voice again! Thank God! That was just what I needed to hear!

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