It was inevitable--my maternity leave was bound to expire sooner or later. I was hoping it'd be later. But here it is, nearly the end of August and it has come to an end. No one could prepare me for the hopelessly headfirst dive I would end up taking into this journey called Motherhood. No one. No one could explain to me just how much I would love my child. How great love could really be. No one could make me understand. I had to do it for myself, as every parent must do. Because until it's your turn, you simply have no grid for understanding the depths and wonders of it all. It just does not make sense.
But it was my turn. And with some minor trepidation--what if I don't love him or her unconditionally? what if I want to give him or her back at the end of the day like I do with other peoples' kids? I think I'll miss life the way it is...just the 2 of us...--I had no choice but to take the plunge on June 3, 2011. And my life will be forever changed. And I am forever blessed because of it. Even now as I remember the day I first met my precious son, I have tears brimming to overflowing, my throat thickens and my heart aches with love for him. And each day, this love has somehow, someway, miraculously gotten even stronger. It is fierce. And it is forever. He can do nothing to make me love him any less.
Each day is filled with new wonders, new explorations and lots of babbling, giggling and smiling. Rediscovering the world through his eyes is the neatest thing. So how could I possibly leave my sweet boy and return to work? The rise to shareholder could never hold a flame to the love I felt for my son and my passion for being his mother. Power, money, status...I could care less. All I want is my boy. My family. Love. And that is enough. So on my knees I went. Lord, I can't make this decision. Please do it for me. I asked if my maternity leave could be extended by 2 weeks, so that I'd return after Labor Day. And I also asked if I could return part-time, working just three days per week. I didn't want to return at all (and I still don't) but this seemed to be the best working scenario that I could fathom. After a few weeks, I found out that the shareholders had granted both of my requests. Praise the Lord!
So for now, I will be working Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. And while my heart aches at the prospect of being away from my little man for those three days, I will rejoice for the time that I do have with him. No time will ever be taken for granted. And knowing that Burke will be spending those days with his two grandmas--who both love him very very much--also helps ease the pain. Jesus keeps telling me to trust Him. And so I will. With my job. With my life. With my son. And even, with my love. He is love, afterall.