And then there were tears...

Yesterday was my first "real" day back to work, as I had to drop the babe off at his Grammy's house. After Thursday, I thought I was good to go. In the clear. But as we pulled into Grammy's driveway, I began to realize that I was not as good as I thought. After getting the babe in the house and unpacking him and his things, I handed him over to my mom. Oh the pain that tore through my heart! And it was just my mom, people! I am so thankful and blessed not to have to have handed him to a total stranger! I kept finding things I needed to tell my mom, and then coming back and pinching his cheeks and kissing him, and back and forth. Until finally, I lost it. Then my mom lost it. Then came the tearful embrace. Then my mom kicked me out of the house so that I wouldn't be too late for work. As soon as I got in the car, I called Ben. "Hello?" "inhale...bigger inhale...quicker, more furious inhale....waaaahaaaahaaaahaaa...quivering inhale....waaahaaaaahaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He assured me that I am a wonderful mother and that I was not abandoning my sweet boy. That it was going to be okay. That he would support me if I decided to stay home with Burke fulltime. Cry out to God, he said. Listen for His answer. And I did. And while I still haven't heard any answers, He did fill me with incredible peace to get through the day. My mascara was only slightly streaked when I pulled into work, although I couldn't do much to hide my red, puffy eyes and nose. But once I was there and busy with work, I was okay. Missed my boy like crazy. Hated to be away from him. But I knew, that for now at least, I could do it.

The encouragement I needed to get through my day came when my mom told me that she was going through her emails with a tired and fussy Burke on her lap and came to an email from me. She opened the email and played the attached video--a video of Burke rolling over. His new favorite trick. She said that he perked up when he heard my voice, so she played it again for him. She said that he got so happy that second time when he heard my voice again! Thank God! That was just what I needed to hear!

And my first day back to work...

went WELL! Praise the Lord for showing such love in the midst of natural disasters and inner turmoil! With all of the flooding in our area due to Tropical Storm Lee, the schools were closed yesterday and Ben was able to stay home with Burke. Knowing that my boy was home with his daddy was the best possible way for me to head off to work for that dreaded first day.

I headed out the door with optimism, as I knew I would be able to come home at lunch to see my boy. Just a few hours...and time with his daddy! Fortunately, I kept busy at work on that first day so that all in all I must say it was as good as a day can be when away from my loves. But I am so thankful that I am home with my man today. So much to enjoy!

A Working Solution

It was inevitable--my maternity leave was bound to expire sooner or later. I was hoping it'd be later. But here it is, nearly the end of August and it has come to an end. No one could prepare me for the hopelessly headfirst dive I would end up taking into this journey called Motherhood. No one. No one could explain to me just how much I would love my child. How great love could really be. No one could make me understand. I had to do it for myself, as every parent must do. Because until it's your turn, you simply have no grid for understanding the depths and wonders of it all. It just does not make sense.

But it was my turn. And with some minor trepidation--what if I don't love him or her unconditionally? what if I want to give him or her back at the end of the day like I do with other peoples' kids? I think I'll miss life the way it is...just the 2 of us...--I had no choice but to take the plunge on June 3, 2011. And my life will be forever changed. And I am forever blessed because of it. Even now as I remember the day I first met my precious son, I have tears brimming to overflowing, my throat thickens and my heart aches with love for him. And each day, this love has somehow, someway, miraculously gotten even stronger. It is fierce. And it is forever. He can do nothing to make me love him any less.

Each day is filled with new wonders, new explorations and lots of babbling, giggling and smiling. Rediscovering the world through his eyes is the neatest thing. So how could I possibly leave my sweet boy and return to work? The rise to shareholder could never hold a flame to the love I felt for my son and my passion for being his mother. Power, money, status...I could care less. All I want is my boy. My family. Love. And that is enough. So on my knees I went. Lord, I can't make this decision. Please do it for me. I asked if my maternity leave could be extended by 2 weeks, so that I'd return after Labor Day. And I also asked if I could return part-time, working just three days per week. I didn't want to return at all (and I still don't) but this seemed to be the best working scenario that I could fathom. After a few weeks, I found out that the shareholders had granted both of my requests. Praise the Lord!

So for now, I will be working Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. And while my heart aches at the prospect of being away from my little man for those three days, I will rejoice for the time that I do have with him. No time will ever be taken for granted. And knowing that Burke will be spending those days with his two grandmas--who both love him very very much--also helps ease the pain. Jesus keeps telling me to trust Him. And so I will. With my job. With my life. With my son. And even, with my love. He is love, afterall.